Hi! I'm glad you're here. There's someone I want you to meet. This is my new BFF, Stella McCartney. Over there, that's Ellen DeGeneres. And I've never met her, but my friend Amy here is really tight with Melissa Gilbert.
This, my friends, sums up the surreal experience that is Twitter.
I have to admit I joined Twitter somewhat against my will, and I have never felt more computer illiterate in my life than when I was trying to figure it out. There's just nothing about it that's intuitive. Sort of like Windows Vista. But that's a topic for another day. But my good friend Emily at Mommin' It Up! convinced me that if I was gonna take this blogging thing seriously, I should be on Twitter, 'cause that's where all the cool blogging kids hang out.
So I did it. I signed up for Twitter and began my career in tweeting.
And let me tell you, I am ADDICTED. I seriously need help. Hi, my name is Emilie and I am a tweeting fool. (Hi, Emilie).
There are a lot of things I enjoy about Twitter. First of all, believe it or not, you really CAN make new friends in 140 characters or less. I now have a kindred spirit in Edmonton, Canada, and several followers in the UK, which I find pleasing in a bizarre sort of way. Second, I love that my Twitter friends are, for the most part, NOT my real-life friends. I like interacting with this completely "other" group and not worrying about the repercussions in my everyday existence. On the other hand, I love that I've made a few real-life new friends through blogging, and that I get to interact with them on Twitter. I've only seen these girls a few times, but I feel like I'm getting to know them well. I love that Twitter is the ultimate venue for meaningless yet hilarious conversations, and that some of my new friends are so witty that I get to laugh out loud several times a day.
But then there's the freaky side of Twitter. Like for instance, yesterday I included the name of a local supermarket in one of my tweets. I was talking to a local blogging friend, and just mentioned it in passing. Next thing I knew, that supermarket was FOLLOWING ME. Weird, no? And yes, when you say a total stranger is "following" you in Twitter parlance, it can and does carry some of the same spooky connotations it would if you were discussing someone in a dark hooded jacket following you down the sidewalk.
I said something at one point that attracted the attention of the New York Giants, who decided, however briefly, to follow me. Huh? I casually put it out there one day that I was in the market for a lawn mower. Suddenly Black & Decker wants to be BFF. Today Emily and I had a conversation of sorts with The AP Stylebook, which has its own Twitter persona.
Then there's the whole celebrity thing. In its own weird way, Twitter is the great equalizer. Celebrity Twitter accounts are just like everyone else's, and they let you get up close and personal with famous people, as long as your idea of up close and personal includes things like what they had for breakfast and what kind of deodorant they use. Being the celebrity stalker that I am, I follow Ellen Degeneres. I still find it odd when I'm reading through recent tweets and there's Ellen, her smiling face peering out at me from among the other photos of my friends and their kids. I was reading through someone else's stream yesterday, and there was a response from Kirstie Alley. Someone else, who also seemed to be a perfectly normal, non-celebrity type like myself, was chatting with Reese Witherspoon (who, by the way, sounds like she may be the nicest person on the planet). My friend Amy has launched a campaign to get Melissa Gilbert to tweet her, and because of the nature of Twitter, she just might succeed.
Which brings me to my BFF, Stella. You know Stella -- the famous fashion designer. And my future daughter-in-law. She is, as you probably know, the daughter of Paul McCartney, who happens to be at the top of my list of people I would like to meet and perhaps marry someday. That's SIR Paul McCartney to you commoners. He's a knight, you know.
See, for some very strange and unknown reason, Stella is one of my followers. I don't know how or why she found me, but there she is on my list, her beautiful black-and-white glossy publicity shot staring up at me from the screen. This tickles me to no end. Just the sheer hilarity of it makes me break into giggles. So in that spirit, I tweeted "Am now being followed by Stella McCartney. Maybe she'll fix me up with her dad."
Then I realized that, given the way Twitter works, Stella might actually SEE what I wrote. So I waited for a response. Nuthin'. I tried again, more directly this time.
"Yoo hoo Stella McCartney -- how are we coming on that request to fix me up with your dad? Any progress? Just wondering . . ."
But this launched me into a discussion with my friend Katie at Domestic Debacle on why I would be the perfect match for Sir Paul:
Katie: She should totally fix you up. Ya'll make a really cute couple. Seriously.
Me: I'm older than his last wife, too. And I wouldn't cost him NEARLY as much in the divorce.
Katie: Can I be a bridesmaid? I'm volunteering my services!
Me: As long as you wear your pink polka-dot shoes. I wonder how Paul McCartney will fit in with my redneck family? Do you think he'll like visiting the cemetery in Tennessee?
Katie: He'll love the cemetery in Tennessee. It'll be more lively than his ex-wife.
Me: And wouldn't he love it that I sing "Yesterday" to Ellie at bedtime? She's also fond of "Eleanor Rigby" and "Yellow Submarine." How cool would it be for HIM to sing "Yesterday" to my daughter?! I think I have quite the list of reasons why we're perfect for each other. Hope he agrees - my stalking skills are awesome.
So now I'm just waiting for Stella to pay attention to this conversation, tweet me her dad's cell number, and design me some really cool wedding invites. She could even be a bridesmaid, if we could find her some shoes to match Katie's. I KNOW these things will happen, 'cause Stella is my BFF. Otherwise why would she be following me on Twitter? Sir Paul is clearly my density. We'll live happily ever after, and we owe it all to the internetz.
You're all invited to Westminster Abbey for the wedding! Stay tuned for "save the date" information!
Update: several hours later . . .
Have received two recent tweets from my BFF Stella McCartney. Both about her new clothing line. Neither addressed to me. No mention of upcoming date with Sir Paul. Sigh . . .