Friday, July 3, 2009

Breaking news as it happens

I was looking over my posts from the last few days, and realized there are some things on which I need to update my dear readers. So here's some recent breaking news on topics about which you have, no doubt, been dying of curiosity.

First, my yard. My sick and sad little yard. Even after its haircut last weekend, it still looks so bad that the guy across the street offered me his $50 gift certificate to Leisure Lawn. I really don't have the extra money, but I actually scheduled four lawn treatments between now and fall -- I don't want to be the only house on the block with a yard in which a Trans Am up on blocks would be a suitable lawn ornament. When people start mistaking the sticker bushes for saplings, it's time to do something.

Second, the bear. Many of you have asked why the city officials in Snooty Suburb don't do something about the bear, such as CATCH HIM. Believe me, I have wondered the same thing myself. Turns out that state wildlife officials believe said bear will eventually migrate southeast into Kentucky or West Virginia and leave us alone. I happen to think this is a bunch of hooey. First of all, the bear is obviously a suburbanite. He's become accustomed to the close proximity of Super Wal-Mart, Costco and Target. Why would he want to move to the hills of eastern Kentucky? And secondly, bears do not come equipped with GPS. How in the HELL is he gonna know where West Virginia is?!

The wildlife officials may change their minds and make a plan to trap this bear and help him along on his journey. But I think somebody's dog is gonna get mauled first.

This is a photo of the actual bear, taken in my actual town, in someones' actual back yard.

Third, I have had a break-through in translating Ellie-speak. She's been referring to movies as "wah-dees" for a long time now, and I just figured out what she's saying. She's saying "wee-dee," which is short for "DVD." HA! I feel like a World War II code breaker. She has also been pointing to my eyes a lot lately and saying "poo poo." I have to admit I was a bit offended -- what does poo poo have to do with Mama's eyes? Turns out she's admiring my eye makeup, which is purple (poo poo -- get it?). The child is clearly a genius.

She's recently figured out what (almost) all of the little piggies do, and spends endless hours telling me about it. The first piggie went to martet; the second stayed hum. The third has roast beese, and she can't remember what the fourth one does. The littlest piggie goes "wee wee!!" all the way hum. Cutest thing EVAH.

And lastly, yes, I do still have a date coming up in the near future. Next week, actually. I even bought cute new shoes for it -- see? Rest assured I'll keep you posted. Did I mention that I'm a nervous wreck? I'm hoping the shoes will instill confidence.

That is all. Carry on.


  1. Are you planning on being a bad girl? Cause those are NOT good girl shoes. Also, seriously, the BEAR! So glad I live in the white trash part of town where the bear wouldn't make it 5 minutes!

  2. Wow, I saw the news about that bear...CRAZY!!!

    And, that is too cute about Ellie speaking! It is like a different language. I'm just now learning what Andon is saying to me, which pretty much consists of "ready" and "cooooool."

    Love the shoes too! There will be much feet oggling going on which means a *safe* time for all ;)

  3. I keep wondering about that bear too. It needs to move on or find a nice home at the cincy zoo.

    Owen has been saying 'gum' but I know he doesn't mean gum. I will have to let you know what it means if I ever figure it out!

  4. OMG, those shoes are HIGH! Me likey.

    Second, bear? And you have the nerve to lure me to come live there? What, as BAIT??