As I sit here on my couch writing this post at 10:15 p.m., I can identify at least ten things I should be doing besides writing a blog post. The sink is full of dishes. The floor is covered with toys. There's a quarter-inch of dust on everything. I missed the trash run yesterday, so the kitchen can is overflowing. And there's a UPS delivery in the entryway that I have not yet had the energy to carry to the basement where it belongs.
Upstairs, a mountain of laundry awaits. The bed needs clean sheets. My bathroom is a disaster area. Ellie should have had a bath before she went to bed. The tub is grimy. I haven't fed my pets yet. The flowers and that damn lawn are dying before my eyes because I haven't had time to water them. And there are four more bags of mulch in the garage, waiting to be spread on the flowerbeds and under my nails.
I think that's actually 13 things. And that's just the beginning of the list.
People, I am tired. I'm tired of having all this stuff to do that will NEVER get done. I'm tired of being behind constantly. I'm tired of not having enough time to spend with my daughter, and having to choose between her and all these things that need to be accomplished. I know the simple answer is spend time with my kid -- all the other stuff can wait. But it CAN'T wait forever -- not if I intend to maintain my sanity. I find it difficult to enjoy time with my daughter when I have all this crap hanging over my head. If my time with her is to be quality time, I have to figure out a way to take care of some of this other stuff, too. But I'll be damned if I know how.
I added five or six things to my to-do list today and didn't cross A SINGLE THING off. Not one.
I guess I'm really just tired of being a grown-up. I don't want to have to be responsible for everything. I don't want to have to deal with high-maintenance people at the same time I'm trying to deal with my high-maintenance toddler. I have neither the time nor the energy for that. Could someone maybe take care of me sometime?
I know -- I'm an adult and a mommy and I have to be the caretaker now. And usually I'm totally okay with that. I chose to take on raising a child alone, and I went into it with my eyes wide open. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and most of the time I have no problem with that. I don't even agree when people talk about how difficult it must be -- I actually don't think I have it too tough. But right now I don't think I'm being a very good parent, daughter, sister, aunt, friend or employee. I'm not filling any of those roles the way they deserve to be filled. And I have no idea what to do about it.
I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, and I'm sure I won't be the last. I know things could be much worse (believe me, they HAVE been much worse) and I should quit bitching. I know there are a lot of people out there who have it WAY worse than I do -- people with sick kids or sick spouses, people who have lost their jobs. I know there are people who successfully manage to keep more balls in the air -- my sister works two jobs, for crying out loud, and still keeps up with a husband and two kids. I know I'm just being a melodramatic wimp. So please don't lecture me on how I should be grateful for what I have, or how I have it so much better than so many others. I already know all that, and I'm really not an ungrateful person in general. I've just had a really bad day, and I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. But for now, I just sort of feel like everything sucks and I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. I'll try to come up with something cheerier on Friday.