Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Emilie and the terrible, horrible, no-good very bad day

As I sit here on my couch writing this post at 10:15 p.m., I can identify at least ten things I should be doing besides writing a blog post. The sink is full of dishes. The floor is covered with toys. There's a quarter-inch of dust on everything. I missed the trash run yesterday, so the kitchen can is overflowing. And there's a UPS delivery in the entryway that I have not yet had the energy to carry to the basement where it belongs.

Upstairs, a mountain of laundry awaits. The bed needs clean sheets. My bathroom is a disaster area. Ellie should have had a bath before she went to bed. The tub is grimy. I haven't fed my pets yet. The flowers and that damn lawn are dying before my eyes because I haven't had time to water them. And there are four more bags of mulch in the garage, waiting to be spread on the flowerbeds and under my nails.

I think that's actually 13 things. And that's just the beginning of the list.

People, I am tired. I'm tired of having all this stuff to do that will NEVER get done. I'm tired of being behind constantly. I'm tired of not having enough time to spend with my daughter, and having to choose between her and all these things that need to be accomplished. I know the simple answer is spend time with my kid -- all the other stuff can wait. But it CAN'T wait forever -- not if I intend to maintain my sanity. I find it difficult to enjoy time with my daughter when I have all this crap hanging over my head. If my time with her is to be quality time, I have to figure out a way to take care of some of this other stuff, too. But I'll be damned if I know how.

I added five or six things to my to-do list today and didn't cross A SINGLE THING off. Not one.

I guess I'm really just tired of being a grown-up. I don't want to have to be responsible for everything. I don't want to have to deal with high-maintenance people at the same time I'm trying to deal with my high-maintenance toddler. I have neither the time nor the energy for that. Could someone maybe take care of me sometime?

I know -- I'm an adult and a mommy and I have to be the caretaker now. And usually I'm totally okay with that. I chose to take on raising a child alone, and I went into it with my eyes wide open. I knew it wouldn't be easy, and most of the time I have no problem with that. I don't even agree when people talk about how difficult it must be -- I actually don't think I have it too tough. But right now I don't think I'm being a very good parent, daughter, sister, aunt, friend or employee. I'm not filling any of those roles the way they deserve to be filled. And I have no idea what to do about it.

I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, and I'm sure I won't be the last. I know things could be much worse (believe me, they HAVE been much worse) and I should quit bitching. I know there are a lot of people out there who have it WAY worse than I do -- people with sick kids or sick spouses, people who have lost their jobs. I know there are people who successfully manage to keep more balls in the air -- my sister works two jobs, for crying out loud, and still keeps up with a husband and two kids. I know I'm just being a melodramatic wimp. So please don't lecture me on how I should be grateful for what I have, or how I have it so much better than so many others. I already know all that, and I'm really not an ungrateful person in general. I've just had a really bad day, and I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. But for now, I just sort of feel like everything sucks and I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. I'll try to come up with something cheerier on Friday.

6 comments:

  1. I won't tell you to be grateful, to put your big girl panties on, or any other such crap. You already do that everyday. And this week, I'm totally feeling your pain. I expressed these very same thoughts to Tim just last night. Life does suck some days. But in the spirit of being a better sister, the girls and I will pick a Saturday SOON and come hang out at your house for a while so you can hang out with Ellie AND get some stuff done. I love you!

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  2. {{{hugs}}} It's ok to feel this way- it IS hard to balance everything. And every onceinawhile you just have to have one of those days where you get gloomy and depressed and wonder how you'll ever get it done. It just means your human. Sometimes I have a day or a week where my basic goal is just surviving the week. If the cleaning doesn't get done, if the laundry piles up- it's ok. You do what you have to do just to get by. The rest can be dealt with when you feel better.

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  3. I totally could have written this very post last night. (except it wouldn't have been as eloquent or well-written, of course.) I was having a very difficult working-mom day... sometimes it's all too much, and it sucks.

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  4. Mama you should see my apartment. It's just awful. I'm such a clean freak but lately I've slipped into some kind of a coma.

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  5. Wow! It's Bemale from Twitter here and all I can say is that coulda been written by me - the sentiment that is...if it had been written by me literally it would be grammatically incorrect and filled with spelling errors - ha! ha! I loved reading your blogs and seeing the side of you covered in >140 characters! Ciao.

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  6. As another single working Mom with toddler, I SOOOO get what you mean. I can't tell you the number of times I have felt that way (right now is one of them). It's a tough gig sometimes and so hard to know how to balance everything (and not lose your mind or yourself).

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