Friday, July 31, 2009

Mah Hairs

I am getting my hair cut this afternoon. So yesterday, in an effort to maintain my reputation as the fashion-forward gal that I am (HA!), I enlisted the help of Emily at Mommin’ It Up in seeking a new look. The following instant message conversation ensued (I’m the Emilie with the -ie, and Emily is the one . . . well, you’ll figure it out):

Emilie: I'm on the hunt for a new hairstyle before I get mine cut tomorrow. Suggestions?

Emily: What shape is your face?

Emilie: No idea. I've always wondered that, actually. Everything you read about hair says you have to match it to the shape of your face. I don't know what shape my face is. Face-shaped?

Emily: Yes, it is very face-shaped. Maybe round?

Emilie: I guess.

Emily: A perfect short cut is a very short pixie cut (no curls) with wisps around the face; allow wisps to fall close to the face, de-emphasizing roundness.

Emilie: Thank you, Vidal Sassoon.

Emily: I just came up with that off the top of my head.

Emilie: I just found something that says flat hair emphasizes roundness. Maybe that's why I've always hated my hair flat.

(Author’s note: it should be stated here that I was the queen of big, bouffy, un-flat, Aqua-Net 80s hair. See small grainy photo -- sorry, it was the best I could do. I loved it and I miss it, and I still do my very best to have the biggest, bouffiest, Aqua-Nettiest un-flat hair possible, even though my 2009 hair is a good deal smaller than my sorority girl hair. The brand of hairspray I use? Big Sexy Hair. Just so you know).

Emilie: What's the appropriate cut for the biggest freaking head ever made?

Conversation goes on to encompass the bowling-ball head of Emily’s younger child, the pinheadedness of my child and Emily’s husband, and a potential hairstyle that would make me look like Annie Lennox in her Eurythmics days.

Then my email dings at me to let me know that my bud Jenny has created the New Me:

As Emily so eloquently said, YIKES.

Emilie: Actually it's not bad, but I can't do bangs like that. Cowlick. I've tried and tried, but they just don't look right. I can't decide if my bangs are the problem, or my forehead. There's just so much of it.

Emily: It's a fivehead.

At that point, I stopped seeking Emily’s opinion.

Seriously, WHAT is the deal with hair and why do we put so much time and effort into it? My boss has a shaved head – I’m thinking of adopting his philosophy. Just comb it with a washcloth and you’re good to go. Pretty much every man I’ve ever met has encouraged me to grow my hair back out into some version of my 80s do. Which is easy for them to say – they’re not washing, drying, and styling it, much less getting a toddler dressed, all while trying to get out the door before 7:30. Who has time for hot rollers and flat irons? And besides, I’m nearly 40 years old. Do I really need hair that looks like it walked straight off a Farrah Fawcett poster?

Anyway, I'm sure my hair will end up being some version of what it is now, more or less, because that's where I am now. I have developed Mom-Hair. You know what I mean - your mom has had the same hairstyle since approximately 1975, hasn't she? Mine too. And that's where I am. I have arrived at the place where my hair will always be as it is now, and Ellie will remember it no other way, essentially. I always wondered how women got to this point, and now I know. They had kids, and they ran out of time. And in my case, they stopped caring what anyone else thought of it.

So I will not be posting a photo of the new haircut here. Because it will no doubt be just like the old one. At least it won't be this:


  1. HAHA! Sorry, but you really gave me a good laugh with this one!! :)

  2. Ok yikes, that picture scares me. Where is his mother?

    And secondly, are you insinuating that there is a connection between the head size of my husband and that of *your* child? Just checking.

  3. Unless your husband has suddenly become Asian, you have nothing to worry about!

  4. You know Emilie I wish I could relate to the mom hair thing but I can't. We never knew what shape or color my mom's hair would be every time she went to have it done. My dad would just shake his head. But then again maybe I can relate because my father has had the same basic haircut since marrying my mom. Somebody has to be the stable one!!
    Kim Porter

  5. WHAT? I thought your new 'do I created for you was kickin'! Geez. I can't get no respect.

  6. Jenny -- at least you didn't tell me I have a fivehead.

  7. I've caught up with your blog contents and have found your stories so entertaining. You write so eloquently. Blogs like this make me jealous because I don't have the literary skills (my blog page: I do have a question for you. Where are your posts from 2007? I read your flashbacks and wanted to read the older posts :-(


  8. Big sexy hair user myself- and I am acquiring mom hair that I wish had just a little more umpf...

  9. Em,
    I can always help out and send across some photos from your IU days - pretty boofy even then! But I kind of liked it. I still remember how much time you had to spend on it when we went on our NY Art trip. I've never had much patience for styling my hair (moved from decades of blunt to vaguely ponytail length to layers to undecided) but I do realise that when I DO make the effort, it does feel good.