Monday, July 20, 2009

Who is this kid and what has she done with Ellie?

Dear kidnappers,

I don't know who you are or what you want -- God knows I have no money to pay a ransom. But whoever you are and whatever you're up to, please return my child. This wee fiend you have left in her place is killing me.

As I'm sure you've noticed in the two days you've had her, my daughter is a pretty agreeable kid. She generally listens, and is pretty quick to comply when asked to eat her dinner, pick up her toys, or stop picking her nose. She is affectionate, not one to defy Mama just for fun, and is quickly mastering the whole potty-training thing.

This kid you've left in her place, however, is NOT agreeable by any definition of that word. She seems to get a huge kick out of watching Mama turn several shades of purple with anger. She eats sand while I'm standing right next to her, snatching at the plastic shovel and yelling at her not to do it. She torments the family pets. She squishes her dinner between her fingers rather than eating it. She smears grape popsicle all over the front of her shirt, watching me all the while to see what I'm going to do about it. She laughs when I discipline her. I don't know where you found this kid whom you have left in place of my daughter, but she must have been raised by wolves. Or monkeys.

Luckily I was able to put the little monster to bed just a few minutes ago, and not a moment too soon. I was getting dangerously close to locking her in the garage. After spending a weekend with this demon child, I can understand why you wanted to trade her out for Ellie. But please please PLEASE bring her back. I miss my sweet girl. And I cannot take one more day of this holy terror with whom you've left me.

So drop me a line and let me know what your demands are. As I've said, I have no funds with which to pay a ransom, but I'm a coupon queen and could perhaps pay you in cheap groceries. Please just tell me what you want so we can make the trade. Cuz this kid you've left in Ellie's place? If anybody kidnapped HER, they'd bring her back within the hour.

1 comment:

  1. If you catch those kidnappers, I would prosecute to the fullest extent of the law. In fact, I am sure they have been to my house also and must have both of the BFF's together.

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