You don't bring me flowers anymore

I think I scared the beejesus out of Dr. Wonderful.

I don't think I've shared this here before, but since Dr. Wonderful and I broke up in May, he has taken to sending me flowers about once a week. No attempts at actually TALKING to me. Just expensive bouquets that arrive at my office, and that I've been giving away to random coworkers. A lottery system has now developed in my office. "Who is going to get Emilie's flowers this week?" has turned into quite the competitive sport.

For whatever reason, Dr. Wonderful has also developed a habit of calling my office and hanging up several times a week. I think it started as a way to find out if I was here before he spent his money on flowers -- he would call about once a week, I would answer, he'd hang up, and an hour later the flowers would arrive. It became an early-warning system -- I could call the next person on the list to notify her that her flowers were on the way.

(Yesterday I was out of the office and the florist truck showed up. The person who is next on the list actually went out to the receptionist's desk to see if they were for me so she could take them home in my absence.)

But gradually he's worked his way up to calling eight or ten times a week. If he doesn't reach me, he sends flowers anyway, whether I'm here or not, whether I ever answer the phone or not. I know it's him because of the wonders of caller ID and missed call lists. But he never makes any attempt to talk to me, and at this point the calls seem unrelated to the arrival of flowers. This has led me to conclude that the calls are just a chicken-shit's way of harrassing me.

Needless to say, his behavior is driving me batty, not to mention scaring me a little. The man is 43 years old -- there is no reason for him to be making hang-up calls like a 12-year-old boy. Especially when I KNOW IT'S HIM. HELLO?! Are you aware that this is the 21st century and that the hang-up call has outlived its purpose?! If you have something to say to me, call me and SAY IT. If I do not answer the phone, leave a message -- that's why God invented voice mail, for crying out loud.

I can think of two reasons, however, why he might think his methods are brilliant. First, he is unaware that I have caller ID on my office phone. When he was in the picture, I didn't. Second, he is technologically impaired. It would never occur to him that I might GET caller ID, or that I might be able to Google an unfamiliar number and identify it as his.

There's a third reason, now that I think about it. He might feel this is a good tactic BECAUSE HE IS AN IMMATURE, MENTALLY UNSTABLE IDIOT.

So anyway, thanks to caller ID, I have been sitting here watching my phone ring for the last several weeks, knowing it's him and knowing that he thinks he's found an anonymous way to piss me off. I get more annoyed every time it happens.

Last week, I had finally had enough.

My friend Beth was in my office at the time, and once again the phone rang and Dr. Wonderful's number showed up on the screen.

I told Beth, "It's him again." Then I snatched up the phone and yelled "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

Stunned silence on the other end of the line.

Then a click and a dial tone.

I immediately grabbed my cell phone and hit the speed dial button for his cell (Yes, he's still programmed into my phone. No, I don't know why). He had turned it off.

So I didn't get to speak my mind to him, and I didn't get to hear him explain why he's stalking me.

But he hasn't called since. And my coworkers are no longer receiving flowers that say "Love, Dr. Wonderful" on the card.

I love technology.