Dear Stephen: I can be fair and balanced! Honest!

I am a liberal. A left-winger. A bleeding heart. A pinko-commie, if you will.

Religiously, politically and socially, I lean far to the left. Many of my conservative friends love me in spite of this.

I probably don’t have to tell you, given my socialist tendencies, that I am not a fan of Fox News. Fair and balanced my ass.

But I swear if I could sleep with Stephen Hayes, I would change my political stripes.

Have you seen this guy? He’s HAWT. In a nerdy, neo-conservative sort of way. I like that in a man.

(And just so you know, I’m an equal-opportunity luster – I also find George Stephanopoulos to be unreasonably sexy. And besides, I really like his . . . politics.)

In theory, there is nothing about Stephen Hayes that I should find appealing. He’s a writer for the Weekly Standard. He honest-to-God believes there’s a connection between Saddam Hussein and Al-Qaeda. He’s Dick Cheney’s official biographer, for cryin’ out loud. I should loathe him with every fiber of my being.

But when he’s on the screen, all I can do is watch his pretty mouth and gaze into his beautiful blue eyes. At least I think they’re blue. The reflection off his round, nerdy little glasses makes it hard to tell.

How, you may be wondering, do I even know this guy exists? I’m the least likely person on the planet to watch Fox News.

My mom, bless her Republican heart, is a fan. Every time I’m at her house, Stephen seems to be on her TV.

I’m okay with this.

Mom, thank God, usually turns down the volume on the TV when I come to visit. But -- thank God -- she doesn’t turn it off. I still get to watch Stephen without having to listen to him.

I’m no lip-reader. When Stephen is on-screen talking about how much he worships Dick Cheney, I can’t tell what he’s saying. So I pretend he’s professing his undying love for me instead. The relationship is a bit one-sided, but it works for us.

I got online to search for photos of Stephen – I wanted a pin-up for my office. Unfortunately I was able to find only small screen shots like the ones on this page. But I did come across an entry over at Threedonia.com that pretty much sums up how I feel about him:

Because I’d do those Fox boys alphabetically. But I’d start with him.

Because . . . he’s my goatee go-to guy.

Because he’s the best-looking man on the Fox All-Stars panel.

Because he’s made me imagine a moment with just the two of us, that Special Report desk, and some heavy, sweaty, nekkid breathing.

Because I’m a sucker for a cute conservative.

Because I cried when I couldn’t find a bigger picture.

Because . . . damn! Can’t a gal get a little love from the right wing, if you know what I mean, and I think you do . . . Stephen.

Well said, my friend. Let me add just one thing: if you're going to be an idiot, at least have the courtesy to be a good-looking one. Thank you, Stephen. Thank you.